A Guilty Conscience

by michaelhodges3

3:26pm, 8 April 2014, Exeter, England


I’ve had a strange week in many ways.

Something that’s been on my conscience:

Last week, I wrote the draft for a post which addressed a serious and frightening thing that’s been happening to me.  I strongly suspect that the Taseers have been trying to smear me by putting paedophile material into the public arena and somehow linking it to me.  What kind of material I’m not sure, and how they’ve tried to link it to me I’m not sure.  But I suspect we’re talking about videos, and I suspect we’re talking about teenage boys.

After I wrote this draft it occurred to me that actually, there was a time when I created some inappropriate material relating to teenagers, and it would be hypocritical of me to criticise the Taseers without addressing this thing that I had done.

During the period 2006 – 2011, or thereabouts, I was suffering from some serious psychological problems that caused me to withdraw from the world, and live like a hermit in my bedroom.  No TV, no internet, no radio, and, for quite a while, no books, newspapers or magazines.  And no people outside the window; a lawn, a hedge, a field and sky.  Plus the occasional lorry- or tractor driver.

After I had been living like this for a while, I began to get addicted to drawing pictures of naked women.   And as time went by, some of the drawings I did weren’t of women but of inappropriately young (imaginary) teenage girls.  There were maybe a few hundred drawings overall, and about seven of these inappropriate ones.

Anyway, all the drawings were put in a cupboard and left there.  I thought I ought to take a look at them before I started criticising the Taseers.  I went home last week and went through the collection, and if I’m honest, I was shocked by what I saw.  I’ve always been a fairly moral person, on the whole, but yet I had somehow created immoral material like this.  It set me thinking.  I suppose it happening was, like most things that happen, due to several causes.  And I suppose that I had experienced a gradual slide into a state of mind where I could do that.  The most frightening thing is that, at the time, I didn’t set out to do something wrong, it just kind of happened as I was drawing.

I don’t want to try to draw too many lessons from this for other people, because the situation I was in was an unusual one.  However, if I was going to draw out some lessons, one would be that we can be strongly affected by the situation we’re in, if it goes on for long enough.  Another would be that it can be dangerous to go too long without having contact with normal, healthy people and things.

I regret having done it, and I hope that anyone who has done anything similar also regrets their actions.