Brief spiritual biography

by michaelhodges3

For the past decade or so, I have been suffering from some ‘psychological’ problems that have caused me considerable distress and suffering.

When I was young, I was interested in the spiritual side of life. When I was about 10, I had the idea that there must be some kind of ultimate meaning or answer to things, and that I was going to discover it and experience it for myself.

As I got a little older, I got into the habit of reading the New Testament, and praying quite a lot. Although I very rarely went to church and wasn’t part of a congregation. I believed in God.

Around the age of 14, I turned away from the Bible, and from Christianity and God. I was experiencing things which seemed to be at odds with what the Bible was telling me about God. I came to experience an inner state which seemed to be of particular significance, and particularly different to what I had experienced so far. I developed a stronger sense of the natural world and possibly a stronger sense of the past.

I became fascinated with the mythologies of various cultures. I read a New Age book, and also a Tibetan Buddhist book, which may have had important influences on me. I had various inner experiences, which were often quite strong, and which made a big impression on me.

When I was about 18, I felt that I was becoming a lot more spiritualised, and that I was getting close to some kind of major spiritual change.

Soon after, I underwent an experience of ‘losing the way’, of losing the things that I had been so vividly aware of. My awareness became much more ‘normal’ and everyday. I saw this loss as some kind of disaster. (In hindsight, this attitude towards things probably had something to do with the fact that my life in general was quite limited in terms of friendship, socialising, and so on). I became convinced that the experience of ‘loss’was something that shouldn’t have happened; as something I had to overcome.

I became interested in spiritual techniques, such as meditation and ‘energy’ yoga. I was trying to make things go back to how they had been before. The interest with yoga became an obsession, something that I really only escaped from when sleeping. It dominated my waking hours. I gradually became more and more withdrawn from the world.

I left university, then was unemployed for a year, then worked in a quiet, cheque cashing job for a year, then left because I was unable to cope with it. By about 2006 I was living in my bedroom, avoiding contact with my family who lived in the same house as me. I was experiencing very disturbing thoughts and feelings.

I read The Kundalini Phenomenon by Kate Thomas around 2004, and realised that I was ill. The book looked at a number of people who had become unwell through ‘spiritual’ activities. My isolation was partly because I was too ill to cope with much at this time, and also due to my fear of ‘contaminating’ others by my presence. I gradually turned back towards God.

Starting around 2010, I very slowly began to come out into the world again. This recovery proccess has been seriously hampered by the ‘spying’/stalking, but not altogether stopped by it.

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